A fine romance, my good fellow,
you take romance, I'll take jello,
you're calmer than the seals
in the Atlantic Ocean
at least they flap their fins to express emotion.

A fine romance with no quarrels,
with no insults, and all morals,
I've never mussed the crease
in your blue serge pants,
I never get the chance, this is a fine romance!

A fine romance, with no kisses,
a fine romance, my friend this is,
to lack half the thrills
that a healthy crime has,
we don't have half the thrills
that the march of time has.

A fine romance, with no clinches,
a fine romance, with no flinches,
you're just as hard to land
as the Ille de France,
I haven't got the chance,
my heart isn't made of plastic,
you're the reason i'm sarcastic
cause this is a fine romance!